Kaname's Diary
by Kizee
Summary: "The girl I have deemed most unimportant has started to become a main character of this show along with another. Neither so as attractive as I." - reviews are loved!
1. Nights Without Peanuts

I saved the little brat today. I was minding my own business, frolicking through the forest, when I saw my poker buddy harassing the cry baby. He stole my peanut last night when I wasn't looking. I took the opportunity to attack. I planned to get my peanut back by reaching into his mouth but I misjudged my strength and he cracked open like a watermelon.

"A vampire's shame." I said, "Stealing someone's peanut…" I added mentally.

While looking for my peanut, the little girl kept gawking at me. I found my peanut on the ground next to the brat. I leaned down to get it asking, "Are you all right?"

But that stupid brat grabbed my hand and a Edward the fairy stole my peanut and I never saw it again.

I wrote a poem.

Peanut, oh peanut, where hath thou fled?

My poker buddy stole you and now you are dead.

I avenged your death but, to my surprise, Little Edward Fairy took you, and I cries.

The little girl who took my hand lunged into my arms and looked into a place that was not supposed to be looked at. Then I heard music.

First Night

It seems I have been stolen from yet again. The Aidou boy used all my hair jell for his Kaname ice sculpture. Now my hair is atrocious! My hairs all flat and junk! (I think I'm turning gay) Everyone starred at me and my hideous hair while I talked to myself. Suddenly, the gate opened. I quickly put back on my wig.

When the doors opened all the ladies (and a few men) stood perfectly in line. Yuuki was smack dab in the middle of the walkway. Probably doing some hooker dance….

As the merchandise (me) walked down the path. Aidou started shooting all the girls. They thought he was kidding but he was really trying to kill them. He's a bit of a crack user.

I found a new peanut but it fell from my pocket and Yuuki's fat butt fell on it.

"Yuuki." I asked, trying to pull her off my peanut, "Are you alright?" I asked the peanut. Yuuki's bug eyes starred at me for the longest of time before she answered in my peanuts stead, "Yes!"

"Thank you for always working hard (to crush my peanut)." I said, sarcastically.

"Not at all." Yuuki replied. Not at all?! She doesn't work to kill my peanut?!!!!

"It's expected from a prefect!" She stood up. Oh, so now everyone's after peanuts?!!!

"Please don't be so formal (dumb) with me." I know what you want!!!!! "It makes me feel a bit lonely…" That you kill all my peanuts!!!!!!

"It's because you saved my life!" She explained. That you kill my peanuts?! You should be thankful, stupid girl!

"Don't worry about that anymore," I said and patted her head, looking for more peanuts, "about the past." WHEN YOU LET EDWARD TAKE MY PEANUT!!!!

Zero (the gay wad) grabbed my hand and glared. That loser wanted my peanut too!!!! Stupid prefects…

"Class is about to start, Kurly-senpai." Only I noticed that he purposely pronounced my name wrong.

"How scary." I said, walking away, "Mr. Prefect."

I was about to threaten him about my peanut's wrath when two humans ransacked me.

They shrieked little sounds and handed me a poison filled box and a flower.

"Thank you." I said, annoyed. I took the presents, never taking my eyes off Yuuki's boobs.

I heard Zero yelling as I left. I glanced back to see his inflated (infected) hand shacking at the girls.

The strange bat lady (Sirene) fell from the tree. "I'll carry that for you." she said. I gave it to her, not warning her about the poison, and went to class.

Nothing happened in class worth mentioning. Besides Aidou's drawings that I'll take and sell on eBay(or eDIE, as we call it) later. Shiki said something about how delicious Yuuki looked and I thought of how great it would be if they killed her. She's only delicious because she ate my peanuts!!!!

"Here, food." Rima said, tossing Shiki peanuts. He ate them like a dog. 'MY PEANUTS!' I thought, but kept my cool.

Ichijo and I were discussing porn when Yuuki came by. She overheard us and quickly ran away. I wanted to get my peanut but Ichijo held me back. We continued talking and walked on.

Later…

I was dancing through the woods again when I saw Aidou trying out his new make-out tactics that he had been using on Ichijo earlier. I noticed his victim was Yuuki. I wanted to help but my wig fell off. I started crawling around looking for it. I heard screams but ignored them. When I realized it wasn't on the ground I heard an evil laugh. The Edward Fairy took my wig! I chased him around.

When I finally caught him I put on my wig with one hand and kept him in the other. I walked up to the seen of the crime to see Zero taking control. I told him to drop the gun and that I'd beat up the fool for my own amusement later. I made something up about reporting him to the Headmaster when I was really going to drop kick him to Utah.

"Will that be all right, Kiryu-kun?" I asked. The vampire hunter scowled at me. The pussy begged me to take him away like a frightened little girl! ("Please take him, Kuran-senpai.")

"Kain," Orange top jumped, "Why did you not stop Aidou? You are also to blame."

Two tickets to Utah please! As if Kain heard my thoughts, he grunted. Blah, blah, blah, responsibility talk. Blah, blah, blah.

"I'm sorry for this frightening experience, Yuuki (I wish I could have done it myself)."

"Don't be. I was only bitten a little bit." But the peanuts were eaten whole!!! If I were Aidou, you'd be missing a arm! And a pruned body from blood loss! Zero took his prune away and I turned to the idiots to head back to the dorm. Aidou wet his pants from my gaze.

"Do you boys like Utah?" I asked, chuckling to myself.

"Huh?" They asked.

"Never mind. Let's go." They followed me back.

After talking with the Headmaster, I was told to suspend the boys for ten days. Later I heard Aidou talking to Kain.

"Kaname's peanut was better than I imagined! It was so worth pretending to harass Yuuki over!" Aidou said.

"If you say that out loud, the Dorm President will scold you again." Kain warned.

"I look forward to it! Kaname's wrath is so much fun! A sadistic vamp like me loved to mingle with that hunk! That peanut was so delicious… I just couldn't resist!"

"Hey!" Kain barked.

I walked in the room and backhanded Aidou.

"You JUST ATE MY PEANUT?!!!! I COULD HAVE GOTTEN IT BACK!!!!!!!"

"I apologize." Aidou whimpered.

"Wasn't that what you wanted?" I heard Kain tease as Aidou yelled for him to shut up. I went upstairs to my room and cries.

Peanut, oh peanut, where hath thou fled?

My poker buddy stole you and now you are dead.

I avenged your death but, to my surprise, Little Edward Fairy took you, and I cries.

The next day I got a new best friend. When Yuuki sat on him it was the end.

I rummaged through her hair for another, I hope it was no bother. (FOR ME!!!)

The following night Aidou ran away, I ran after him but my hair went astray.

Little Edward Fairy looked all hairy as he carry my wig.

When I found my wig, Aidou was being a pig, chewing on Yuuki.

I got tickets to Utah to send them away but, to my dismay, the Chairmen said "No way!"

At the end of the day I slapped Aidou silly and thought very hard about naming him Billy.

I cries.

I'll see you tomorrow, Diary! Love, Kami Bill Kuran.


	2. Memories of Bombs

2nd kNight (Hehe. I made that up last night!)

Good Morning, Diary!!!!!! It was a lovely morning until the gate opened, revealing the bug eyed love pigs. It was Valentines Day and to make my day worse, Aidou was still bragging about my peanut he ate last night! I threatened to put him in a man thong right before the gate creaked open. Aidou ran out quickly.

"Aidou. Behave yourself. Do you understand?" I said in my best manly voice. I pulled out the thong from my pocket just enough so he could see it.

"Yes, Dorm president Kuran."

"Thank you very much, Kaname-senpai." The brat thanked, trying to see what was in my pocket. And then she ran away. She began the contest.

Rule one: Get the most home made bomb sets from the ladies as possible.

Rule two: Remain alive after making bombs.

Rule three: Trade bombs with competition.

Rule four: Blow up competition.

Rule five: Live. (hardest one of them all)

Losers (if alive) run around the school in the man thong. More than one loser? Too bad! Share it!

The event was chaotic. I hade been receiving many bombs from the bug eyed (sometimes no eyed) girls when Aidou started asking girls for their steroids when Yuuki rudely interrupted.

"Aidou-senpai! Please only except the girl's love, feelings, and explosives! Or in this weird case, diarrhea." she scolded.

"Fine, fine." he looked over to Ruka who was holding a huge pink box. No way! It was the Explodinator 3000!!! She looked as ugly as ever, she probably didn't even know it's power!!!! Aidou obviously did, because he made some weird annoying sound. Zero noticed it's power too. Oh, man. This could get ugly (maybe even uglier than Yuuki!). Aidou walked up to stand next to Ruka, looking at the detail in the package. Gr… I need that bomb!

…

I was comparing how flat-chested Ruka was and began comparing her to Aidou. He was definitely bigger, no doubt. But Ruka can make her butt jiggle more than he…

"Please!" To pipsqueaks squeaked together, offering me pathetic starter kits.

"I'm sorry. Both my hands are gone, so I can't receive these." Translation: GET BETTER MERCHANDICE! Or at least a peanut… is that to much to ask?

"T-That's okay. We should be the ones who should explode!" Dang straight! What? Did they share a brain? They talked together the whole time!

"I'm really sorry (about my whole freaking life!)" I was off to go cut myself some more but noticed Yuuki holding back some hippos. Good. She needs trouble in her life after she sat on my peanut!

"Thank you for all your hard work, Yuuki." I know how troublesome it must be to go out of your way to ruin my life.

"H-hai!" Is it possible for someone's annoying voice to be so high on the frequency chart that it can barely be heard? Another haunting question I shall loose sleep over.

"Don't get hurt." I will prune-ify you someday! Mark my words! I smiled evilly.

"O-okay?" Stutter much? I'll get you a DVD for that. 'Solve your Stutter by Lady Googoo!'

"P-p-p-p-poke her face. P-p-poke her face. Umbrella- ella- ella- eh- eh -eh." I hummed to myself, bat woman beside me, and continued down the cat walk. I was trying to jiggle my butt like Ruka when I heard Edward The Fairy's snickers. He unlatched the gate that Yuuki was holding shut and everyone fell over, humping and what-not.

"Kuran-senpai." Zero called. I lashed around to see what the heck he wanted. He chucked a motion bomb towards me. I heard the tiny box singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in a Chipmunk voice.

I caught it. Why did I catch it? Because It'd look terrible if everyone thought I was uncoordinated!

"You dropped something." Zero squawked.

"Zero!" Yuuki squeaked.

"I'll take it. Thank you, Yuuki." I said sarcastically and ran off to disable it. Whoever set it was extremely inexperienced….BOOM!!!!

"Kaname-sama… do those bother you? I will hold them" Bat Lady (Seiren) told me. I handed her the bombs

"Only these will be fine." I selected the best working bombs for her to install. Why risk my life when a not-so-important UGLY character is right beside me?

"This is the only one I want." I said. I was planning to disable it quickly but I brought it to my lips. I sniffed it like a dog and realized something… it smelled of… peanut?! I ripped open the package like a mad man and lifted the small green lid. There, inside, was Edward the Fairy with a hand on his fat belly. I cracked open peanut shell was beside him in the box. He burped and snickered evilly. I closed the box lid and through it to the ground, I stomped on it all over. I pulled out the jump rope I always kept in my back pocket and played jump rope on him. I dropped to the ground and pretended to steam roll him. I-

"Hehehe!" I looked up from the earth to see Edward flying above my head with… a brick?!

"&%^(%&$()%*$*&!&**%&$() MICKEY MOUSE &*^$()^*()&%()%&* YOUR MOM!!!*$&%*$%&_(_&$*%&_$*%&$(%&)$&IN A TOILET%$&*%($&*%()$&*%)$*&%()$&*%"

Boom.

* * *

Later I woke up in the classroom reading my book that I haven't finished in ten years.

"Where are Aidou and the others?" I said quickly. Do they have the ultimate weapon(Explodinator 3000) in their grasps?!

"Ah, now that you mention it, they're not here." Ichijo looked up from his bomb sets and the instruction card he was reading. "I wonder where they went?"

They're plotting against me! I know it! They'll tag team and I'll be(sexy) toast!!!!

….

"Well, it is something they have already reflected on." Ichijo defended the main Night Class vampires that stood guiltily behind him. They had told me the story of them attacking Zero for his bombs and how they were actually planning to go against me (as I thought).

"Besides, he was provoked by Aidou." So Aidou was in charge of this rebellion, eh? "Kiryu-kun, I wonder if there was really something that hurt his feelings…" Ichijo almost sounded like he wanted me to kill them. He kept a smug(not as smokin' hot as my) smile on his face.

"It can't be helped… for now." They all jumped when they realized I did, someday, plan to proceed with the war. They'll never know when it will hit them.

"Because four years ago after that incident. His life has changed." I said, referring to Zero. Four years ago the young lad scarred Santa(Pookie) Claus so bad that he wet his pants and fell off a roof. Ever since then Zero has been rejecting the change of turning into Jolly Ol' Saint Nick. It's tragic really and I can't help but have pity for him. I admire him for resisting so long but it can't be helped. The children of the world need Santa! They need him more than I need peanuts! Well… not that much but they need him! Zero can't last for much longer… he cannot deny his existence.(But I can deny the existence of ALL my peanut buddies)

Farewell Diary, Love, see you tomorrow.

- Kami Bill Kuran


	3. The Fang of Enspections

First of all, I want to thank the following for reviewing: Sami and candtcane who are my friends and do not have much choice BUT to review. And then Blind-Eyes-That-See and who reviewed most likely because I asked! THANK YOU!!!!!!

SPECIAL ANNONCEMENT: This story may bring uncomfortable views on the state Utah. I am sorry for being state prejudice and please understand these are just opinions and are not worth killing me over. Thank you for your time.

* * *

3rd Night

Oh, Diary! Today is going to be terrible! Last night I was talking to the Chairman and I saw a magazine by his desk leg. Being the wonderful and kind and awesome and super super girl! (I mean guy) that I am, I picked up the magazine. I flipped it over to see which volume of Cat Fancy it could be that I haven't received yet. To my surprise it was an old Playboy magazine. Way outdated, but that's beside the point. The Chairman was on the cover! Shirt off surrounded by all those half nakie woman!

"Oh, my Kaname-kun!" he said, grabbing the mag from my well moisturized hands.

I raised my well waxed eyebrow and decided to play cops and robbers. And it is the polices' job to interrogate the robber and so I did. "Why do you have a Playboy magazine?!"

"Kaname-kun! That's not Playboy it Vampire Hunters Week-"

"Pfft. Then why was there a bunny on it?"

"Those are bunny ears! Little pretty teens put them behind other peoples heads in pictures to try to be cute!"

"Unlikely story. I've seen Yuuki do that before and she is far from cute."

"Yes, yes, Yuuki is an exception to the rule but-"

"I know exactly what's going on here!"

"You do? Thank goodness that's cleared up. Now shall we get back to business matters? Should I wear my pink of purple undies to the next 'Teacher's meeting'?"

"No, not that, and I think both! Extra absorbent! I am talking about how you are training the Day Class girls to be Playboy posers! That is absurd! Why can't the Night Class? Come on, I know I'm the only drop-dead-gorgeous being to ever walk in that place but still!"

"Kaname-kun! That is not true."

"So you won't admit it… fine. But you still have a Playboy magazine!" I accused.

"Oh, and like you don't?" The Chairman crossed his arms. I stomped my foot to mirror our 'gay-off'. I was so winning…

"I don't! I'm the cop and I say in the power invested by me that you are (Vampire Knight) Guilty!" I pretended to shoot him with my finger gun and rushed out the door. Flipping my lovely hair for dramatic effect, running into the door, and then stepping out with a nose bleed.

Well, Diary, that little stunt must of made him extremely mad because the next day he sent out a 'Dorm inspection' text to all the Night Class officials (Myself and Chiji). So this was how he planned to get me back, eh? Go through my room and snooping through my stuff? Well not if I rid of my stuff first. So that morning (before I announced the inspection thing) I cornered Aidou on his way to the bathroom. Perfect. With such a full bladder, he won't have much time to think about what I was up to.

"Aidou." I said seductively.

"Yes, Kaname-sama?" Ugh! How I hate when they call me "Sama" !!! I specifically told them to call me Kaname Sohma at the beginning of the year! I am in love with the Fruits Basket series and had my name legally changed to Kaname Sohma but no one ever recognizes me by that name! They blurred Sohma with Obama, giving birth to the name Kaname-sama. The inside joke only known to the vampire world that made me weep.

"I have some things I want to hide- I mean, get rid of. Would you be so kind as to," I slid my hand down his thigh, "take them off my hands?"

Ugh! And then the little vamp with the bladder the size of a kitten leaked! All over my hand! My wonderfully moisturized prize winning hand! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!!!!

Aidou blushed the color of my new nail polish (that I can only where on my toes because of the school dress code) and stepped back.

"Yes, Kaname-sama." He said, taking another step back. Then another and another until he back flipped out the window behind him.

Well! I got my answer so I took Edward the Fairy out from his cage. I had caught him the other night by using my wig as bait. So this was my chance to make use of him. I started flicking the fairy in the butt to make his fairy dust sprinkle over the junk I needed to hide. I pushed the now floating objects to Aidou's room and dropped them.

* * *

"A surprise dorm inspection?" Aidou said.

"I see. Thank you, Seiren." I tossed her a Scooby Snack. This was all part of my plan. Her 'finding out' and telling us in front of the Night Class.

"Really! We have no idea what the Chairman is thinking!" Ruka complained. If only she new…

"It shouldn't be a problem as long as they don't find anything illegal or fried chicken." Shiki said emotionlessly, why was his back turned to me? Why does he not gawk at me like every other guy?!

"That's right! Indeed, that's what you would say in a situation like this." Ichijo said, OMIRIDO!!! He was just about to take a drink of the tea I had drugged when emo Shiki said something again. He's always so quiet… why must he get in the way of my plans now?!

"Ichijo-san, you haven't removed your thongs from your floor yet, have you…"

"Hehe. It'll be fine! They're made from the highest grade silk." The glitter he had glued on himself was starting to shine in the light. Uh… he was trying to be like Edward Cullen, a sparkly vampire. Real vampires DON'T sparkle. "So no matter where I leave them, I'm not ashamed at all!"

"Is that really the issue?" Ruka asked. "What about my hand-me-down bras I loaned to you?"

Ichijo gave a sheepish laugh.

"What?! I said I wanted those!" I yelled. Ichijo and I got into a fight about who was more worthy, ending with Rima measuring for our cup sizes. Ichijo might have won this battle, but I will win the war. Rima has promised to take me to Victoria's Secret next time she goes. Yay!!! ^^

While this fight had gone down I didn't notice that Kain and Aidou had slipped out of the room. What were they planning? I followed the trail of Cheeto crumbs they were leaving down the hall with my magnifying glass (Dora addition). The trail led into Aidou's room. Oh no! They couldn't be planning on burning my Power Puff Girls DVDs, could they?! I was about to storm into the room when I heard a loud bang against the door. Terrified I jumped back,. I heard the shrill annoying voice of Aidou, followed by the soothing dark voice of Kain

"What is it, Akatsuki? I'm already done being gay today." Kain must have pinned Aidou to the wall again!

"Hanabusa, I'm not trying to be mean. I am a schizophrenic, you know. You must give them up."

"Them?"

"If you lay out this pile of junk for show…" He said. Rima was in the other room, playing some wooden contraption that made funny noises.

"What do you mean by 'junk'?"

"You're piles of junk that have no real use."

"Take a closer look at our Dorm Presidents unique powers. It's a collection!" Aidou's Pinocchio nose that Edward the Fairy had cursed him with began to grow. I just know it.

"You even have a fork. Hanabusa, if the Dorm president found this…" I can't believe it! Kain was dissing my things! And my unique hairbrush thing called a fork at that!

"It's a collection of things I admire and have respect for." Aidou swiped back my fork that I try to bend with my mind in my free time. "Ah, don't tell me you want it? Well you can't have it."

"How could I possibly-" They both turned bug eyed at the look of me. Ha!

"D-Dorm President Kuran!" Aidou whimpered. No, Aidou, I AM YOUR FATHER!!!!! MUWAHAHAH!

"Aidou, personal information has come to my attention from the Moon Dorm. There is something I would like to discuss with you. " I said. He didn't really think I'd let him keep my things, did he? Crazy boy…

"Ah, y-y-y-you're wrong, Dorm President, this is just…" Aidou began backing away again. He should have learned by now that backing away from me only results to broken windows and a face plant to the ground. Wait! Wha's dis? Edward the Fairy was mockingly flying around the light bulb in the room. In his hand was the wedding ring a had gave myself when I proposed to me a few years back. In his other hand was a sharpie. Thinking quickly, I tried to shatter the Fairy, resulting in the ring, as well as the light bulb, being smashed to bits. Oh dear… how will I ever break it to myself?

"Another treasure!" Aidou had dived on the ground to get the remaining parts of my ring. MY RING! Kain face palmed himself, trying to squish Edward the Fairy. This is when I pulled out the fly swatter. Kain left in fear and Aidou froze. I started swinging rapidly at the air, hoping to hit the fairy.

"AH!" Aidou screamed. I accidentally hit him. Oops…

* * *

"Carry everything out." I commanded, leaning against the window Aidou had fell through earlier. I was seeing if it was light enough to hold me without giving in and having me fall to my doom. So far it was going pretty good. Aidou just must be to fat…

"This will strain my muscles. The agency will be angry." Shiki complained. Oh yes, he's a model for a famous acne commercial. He is the "before" picture on the TV.

"The modeling business must be tough." Ichijo flirted. Aidou was still on the ground. I didn't mean to hit min with the fly swatter! I said I was sorry! Well… no I didn't. But he can still get over it!

"My collection is…" He said through each sob. His collection?! Nu-uh! He was getting to possessive of my things. That is why I was having it all moved.

"Don't be upset with us for this, Hanabusa." Kain said, leaving with the last box of my priceless mouth wash.

I looked out the window to see St. Zero and Yuuki Criss- I mean Cross! She had spun around and was doing some but jiggle dance while she pointed at St. Zero. She has her and on her hip. Maybe a new type of the chicken dance?

OHMYCRINGLE!!! She was humping him! She was really humping him! And now she was holding something… why is she taking his wallet?! Tehe. St. Zero stood up and snatched his wallet back. You show her- Santi! Crack that reindeer whip! Huh?! He's running away? Hm… Maybe he didn't have it yet… Yuuki followed. Hm… maybe he was trying to get them alone. You see, Yuuki is… special (and ugly). Her blood is a sweet mixture of eggnog and peppermint which is surprisingly delicious. To any vampire, Santa Claus, elf, fairy, and even cat.

"It seems the prefects sort of left just now." Shiki walked back into Aidou's room.

"I guess the surprise inspection was canceled." Ichijo followed him. Take that, Chairmen. I have won.

"What?!" Aidou slammed his hands on the window. "After trampling on my little happiness, they just!" He pounded the window harder, causing it to give in once again and he front flipped out.

* * *

Yuuki chased after Zero as he cowered from my presence. She either wanted some more sugar from the beast or wanted to know what other girls he was sleeping with. But, hey. None of my business. Unless… it was my Lindsay Lohan! Never!

So, for the same reason as Yuuki, I too followed Zero.

I got dressed in my slimming black ninja suit and my Naruto ninja head band and I was off.

Yuuki walked around the town of no eyed people. She visited many drug dealers and made out with lots of hobos along the way. To my surprise, she passed up McDonalds… she saw an old lady carrying groceries and was struck with fear. As was I, but Yuuki broke into a steady trot. Then jog. Then sprint.

Yuuki….now Yuuki is a simple minded girl. You know? The kind that can't chew gum and walk at the same time? Well she has to concentrate on her shoes while she moves so she doesn't trip. The result? Normally running into lamps. But today she ran into a older lady wrapped in sheets.

Yuuki stopped running.

"I so sorry! I so sorry!" Yuuki chanted while she tried to touch her toes. She then ran off again. I followed stealthily in the shadows. As I passed the sheet lady I got a close up of her face. No way… LINDSAY!!!!

Right before Yuuki hit another lamp she collapsed onto a bench. She NEEDED to lay off that McDonalds trip. She looked around suspiciously. There was no way she could have noticed me. Then she started doing that hugging thing people do with there own arms to make it look like they're actually making out with someone. We all know that would never happen.

Just to make sure she didn't see me, I pulled out my paintball gun and attempted to hit her with a red paintball. I missed he big head! How do you miss that?! Anyway, it flew right in front of her eyes and I was sure I had been detected. Lucky for me the stupid girl looked the other way. A little boy was running away from the giant mole monster behind her. The mole sniffed Yuuki but she didn't notice. She was to distracted by that red balloon that had just slipped from the kids hand. He looked up studied the tree that was in front of him. Kids these days are more into wild life than balloons…

Yuuki jumped for the balloon, trying to fly away, but she hit the ground.

"Hey! This balloon doesn't work!" she yelled. The kid ran at the sight of the mole again. Yuuki ran after the boy to try to rape him. I was about to go and watch but the mole monster actually detected me and I had no choice but to run for my life.

By the time a escaped from the mole my ninja outfit was completely destroyed. I had no choice but to model my new strapless dress and high heels.

The next time I tried to track down Yuuki was easy. Her pathetic pig squeals from the tower were like sirens to my ears. I decided to save her in hopes of rubbing it in St. Zero's face later. I peeked in the window. She was being attacked, go figure. So I pocked up a rock and chucked it at the large bell in the tower. The ringing made Yuuki cry again . When I walked flipped into through the window the little boy she had been trying to attack gazed at me in awe. Yes, this is how it should be…

"Poor thing… you looked ridiculous." I walked over to Yuuki and let her feel what a real hug felt like. I covered her eyes and whispered "Guess who?"

The little boy almost told Yuuki that it was me who was behind her so I killed him.

"Kaname-senpai…" Yuuki guessed.

"The game is over." I told her and released her. "You'll never get me to hug you like that again."

"What was that just now?"

"A person on crack."

"A person on crack? So it was a friend of Aidou's after all, right?"

"No. They get drunk too."

"B-but…"

"Troublesome girl," I said and squished a bug on her cheek. "Don't come to this place alone where the cops can find you alone."

I attempted to lick the bug juice from her hand but she pulled away. "I… was looking for Zero."

"I see. In that case, he's probably sleeping with another girl in the dormitory. I will escort you back to the dormitory. You're peppermint sent is too dangerous."

* * *

"Just as expected, you were the only one that wasn't deceived." the Headmaster said to me as we had another secret meeting in his room. "Indeed, Kaname-kun is special *cough* ed *cough*" I sat on the couch, doing my nails while he praised me. Whatever addition Barbie doll he wanted, he was not getting it. "There is not one drop of ugly looks mixed in your ancestor's lineage. That is a rare lineage within magical creatures today. A true model among models. The Head Elf. You have inherited the powers of the South Pole Elves. An existence feared by the Northern Elves. For Southerners are taller."

"Master Big Head- I mean Headmaster. I trust you so I've shared this much with you." I handed him a limited addition Barbie limo, "However… For you to keep handling Zero as one of the normal students even now…" I dug my well manicured nails into his desk, "Are you content on having Zero destroy your insane idealism?"

He ignored my question and started playing with his car. Of course…

"You should know it all to well. The mortifying last days of a human losing control. Former prostitute hunter, Cross Kaien…. He cannot avoid that horrible fate. Humans who kill Santa Claus… will become Santa Claus themselves…. There are only two ways a human who has killed Santa can spend his last days. The fatal toxins of the magic may kill the person or… If that person is unlucky, he will survive only to suffer a slow transformation into Jolly Old Saint Nick. It's a power that elves can't possibly understand. Zero will never be able to become a human again. For four years, he has been battling his jolly instincts. I respect him for his strong will. However…"

I'll also show you a sweet dream next night

Kaname: Hey! I wasn't finished!

Me: Too bad! I'm tired! Just watch the ticking clock in the ending theme!

Kaname: Okay, Okay. You're bossy… can I at least say goodbye to diary-san?

Me: OMK! Fine…

- Bai, Diary! ^^ Love, Kami Bill Kuran


	4. Trigger of Tigger the Pooh

I stepped back from Kaien's seductive grasp.

"What's wrong Kaname-kun?" Former Prostitute Hunter asked me. I quickly started to button back up my shirt he was messing with.

"There's the sound of sleigh bells." I opened the door and ran.

"Kaname-kun!" The Headmaster called. Thinking it was an overdramatic warning, I ignored him. Little did I know that I had forgotten to put back on my pants….

Night 4- I would like to take this time now to explain our theme song. First, the editor lured Zero into a cage like a bird with the use of an animal cracker. Yuuki couldn't have been any more jealous of the fact that SHE didn't get the new cage. I, on the other hand, was told I was so cool that I get the cardboard box to stay in between episodes. So the day Zero broke out of the cage to get back the tub of butter Yuuki stole was caught on security camera. This explains this scene to the best of my ability.

Back to me….

"Yuuki!" Whore!

"Kaname-senpai!"

"Have you fallen to the beast within that pursues the scent of the Snow Fairy Sugar's blood? St. Zero?" I walked in between them in fear of Yuuki trying to attack every kids true idol- Santa. She has uncovered the sad truth of Zero.

"Stop it, Kaname!"

Oh no. That b**** did not just tell me WTF NOT to do.

"Santa is-" Luckily, Yuuki fainted before she could finish her sentence. I would've pimped slapped that mother f-er to Utah. I pinkie swear it….

She fell towards Zero and for some reason he caught her. That was reason enough for me to get mad. My PMS is NOT something to get entangled with, Zero.

"You aren't controlling your fate. Now Yuuki can't stand up right. Well done." I complimented. "Is her blood really that delicious?" I wondered. Maybe I was wrong about her. Thinking of ONLY myself (as always) I picked her up.

Zero had a face that even confused me. He either one, needed to pee. Two, was devastated that he actually bit Yuuki. Three, wanted to sing Christmas Carols.

Of coarse none of these are correct because he was obviously so amazed at my awesomeness.

I carried the trash out to the hall. The Headmaster was awaiting.

"Headmaster." Why didn't he do anything? He's worthless!

"Ah, I know." Good. He knows. Maybe he'll start abusing his authority like I would or at least present some form of discipline.

"The bleeding has almost stopped (DANN!!!!), but… it's not that deep. Are you sure he bit down with all his strength Well, he is rather feminine…" I mumbled as I put Barbie band aides on her neck. There. Totally disguised. No one will ever notice.

I was about to leave her within the locked room to starve her for the next 5 episodes but she started crying. Come on, everyone finds her annoying and it's not like she does anything but get in the way. Like right now for example, she's crying as I write in you, Diary. UGH! And she's staining the pages with her tears!

She must have been reading what I was writing about her. "Does it hurt?" I asked hopefully.

"Oh?!"

"Have my words driven you made enough to commit suicide?"

Yuuki shook her head ferociously. Dann.

"Kaname-kun," the Headmaster interrupted, "Can you go to the bathroom for a while? The scent of her blood is causing a disturbance in the Night Class so you better hide."

"Understood." I got up so he could do who knows what things to his daughter. Before I left I noticed him ripping of the Barbie band aides and replacing it with a normal one. This angered me.

Later the evening I was forced to crawl out of the bathroom to visit the Headmaster once more.

"When I said DO something I meant do something helpful! Not putting him in the Night Class! Not making me deal with Zero!" I yelled.

"But he bores me now. Because of that little stunt today many of my fanfictions are ruined! It only makes since for you to keep him. This way you might grow to like and possibly love each other! This way my fanfic will be interesting and WITHOUT Yuuki."

"I must admit, no Yuuki sounds almost tempting. But I will never love Zero Kiryu. You have no choice but to admit Zero here… No wait! That came out wrong-"

"Nope! You agreed! You agreed!" The Headmaster began dancing around. Outside the door I could here the pitter pattering steps of Yuuki… or maybe a mouse.

The next morning I slept lazily behind a lamp. The best disguise yet. No one had noticed me all day. Even with Aidou's gay men coming to 'talk' with him on the couch.

"Yuuki-chan?"

What?! Yuuki! Her being in the pictures I was taking might break the camera! This won't do at all…

"Come on! Leave," Aidou commanded to the men! Just when it was getting good too. Must Yuuki ruin everything? Yes, yes she must.

Aidou glared at the door once more before slamming one of the man's finger in it. "Oh, it's so bright. Because of them I'll have to get spray tan with my Cyclopes penguin."

"That doesn't make since!" Yuuki countered.

Aidou stretched like an unattractive monkey. "Don't worry about it. What are you doing? Everyone is sleeping. Oh! Don't tell me you came here to play with our Yu-gi-oh cards?!"

"No, I came here to meet Kaname-senpai."

Will that girl EVER stop stalking me?!

"Is that so? Have fun finding him." Aidou said in annoyance and began strutting up the stairs.

"Um… You can't just take me there?"

"Kaname-sama is the only one who treats you poorly. I have decided to follow his behavior. I decided this when finding out that being nice to you required work." Aidou said. He turned back from walking up the stairs. "Yuuki-chan, there. You have a mustard stain on your shirt."

Yuuki's slow reflexes made her cover her shirt in record (slow) time.

"Last night, the scent of hamburgers suddenly drifted into the bathroom where I was doing drugs. It excited us. Though I was the only one who noticed immediately… that you have been hiding a god card, Yuuki-chan!"

The candles in the room blew out abruptly. Aidou must have farted. Yuuki's slow actions had her looking at the candles 5 seconds behind time while Aidou froze the staircase along with her foot.

Yuuki stood dumbfounded at Aidou through commercial break while Aidou got his face reordered (hehe. It was supposed to say "re-powdered" but my spell check changed it to "reordered." I like this better so it stays). Aidou leaped the last 3 stairs like he was something amazing. ANYONE can do that. Yuuki must've been impressed… her delayed reaction of backing away told it all.

"Tell me, Yuuki-chan… What are you to Kaname-sama?"

What?! Since when did this involve me?!

"Kaname-senpai saved my life from an evil poker man! Who was not really a poker man… but the original actor of Barney! I am forever grateful to him." Yuuki said.

I gasped. Barney's… original? I have murdered the third best thing in a child's world. Santa being the first. Me being the second.

"Oh, so that's how it is. Then, Yuuki-chan, since Kaname-sama saved your life in more ways than one… It would be better if you offered him every drop of your meaty blood to him." OH YESH!

"Blood?" Yuuki stepped further back.

"I see. Your blood already belongs to donation clinics… But that fang mark doesn't belong to such a needle. You can't let anyone else have it, okay? I mean that literally. No one wants your STD's. Not even me. One day, your neck… Kaname-sama will break it easily. His parts will sink in slowly. When Kaname-sama is doing so, if you just remain docile… Yuuki-chan. You'll definitely enjoy it."

Yuuki blushed wildly and whimpered. Like I'd EVER do that! Ew! Ew! Ew!

"Oh right! You might as well request it from him now! 'Please break my neck.'"

Yuuki smacked Aidou away. "Stop deciding by yourself!"

"Are you embarrassed?" Aidou grabbed Yuuki and started turning her into rock candy. I wanted to watch but my script told me other wise and I really needed that new wig spray to get out the bugs…

"Aidou-senpai… enough already!" Yuuki lifted her hand to slap him. No! Only I can do that! It gives me that feeling of joy to get me through the day. I grabbed Yuuki's hand.

"Stop it, Yuuki." I said in the same shrill voice she had used on me earlier today.

"Kaname-senpai." Yuuki squealed.

"Kaname-sama!" Aidou shrieked.

I turned dramatically towards him so he could take in the bit of annoyance on my perfect features. If I got one wrinkle from frowning at him so much he was dead.

Aidou stepped back in fear. "Oh, shi-"

BAM!! I backhanded popsicle man like a good pimp. This is what the Headmaster should be doing, but hey. Watching Aidou cry never gets old. In my back swing of striking Aidou my hand flew back even farther, hitting Yuuki in the nose. SCORE!

"Who are the ones that want that?" I asked them both as they fell to the ground.

"No… I'm the one at fault. I'm terribly sorry, Kaname-sama."

"Fetch me the paper clip, hot orange juice, and rubber ball." I commanded.

"Yes." Aidou nodded to my shoes and ran off to scavenger hunt.

I turned to Yuuki who had gotten up off the ground. "That was an unpleasant encounter for you… feel like committing suicide yet?"

"Err yes… no… erm…" Yuuki panicked. I lifted my hand to caress her over squishy cheeks.

"It's all right. All you need to do is be yourself, Yuuki. The time will come. You're different from the crack users under me. It'll be enough if you remain sane, Yuuki."

Yuuki gawked at me for a while but it started to freak me out. "All right, its time to go back. It's time for your one meal a day, right?" I began to shove Yuuki towards the door. "From now on, don't ever come to a dangerous place like this alone without condoms. Next time, be it Kiryu-kun or whomever, find someone to borrow from. Since he has taken something away from you, you should make him pay for it."

"Stop it please! Why are you talking like this?" Yuuki stomped her foot.

What? It's not obvious?

"Why? Because…" I began trying to lift her shirt for any hope of my peanut still being alive. Even in her bra… "I can't promise everything will be fine. The girl I have deemed most unimportant has started to become a main character of this show along with another. Neither so are they as attractive as I."

"Actually I came her because I have something to request from you."

"Hmm?"

"Please do not put Zero in the Night Class as a female student!" Wait… what? What is the Headmaster implanting in her tiny mind now? Might as well play along.

"Why?"

"Even Zero has always been fighting on his own… I did not even notice it for the past four years. Even though I'm always by his side. He wants to live on as a man. The surgery was a success, was it not?"

The headmaster told her Zero was a woman? Ahahahahaha!

"You're kind of stupid, Yuuki. But this isn't something that you should worry about.""That's not the case!"

"I was totally shocked to find out that Zero was a woman… let alone Santa! But yesterday I…" Yuuki began crying. AGAIN!

"Yuuki…" I started checking in her ear for my peanut. "Sorry… but because it's a request from you… I can't agree to that. A man who becomes a woman is truly and utterly low. A man who kills Santa will definitely sink to Santa's jolly state. He would not want Yuuki to see him gaining so much weight.

"How could that…" Yuuki mumbled before running away. I watched her run as the door closed. I know understand the reason for the Headmaster's dress code.

The door slammed in my face and I know realized it was one dimensional.

"Goodbye to you too, Yuuki." I said sarcastically and walked away to go find Aidou.

"I don't know the reason why you, Kuran the dorm president, are so flirty with her. And also, letting Zero come to the Night Class… Not everyone will be able to accept the fact that we worship him instead of you- The Head Elf. Mixed in with someone who was born a girl."

"Yuuki… is an airhead. Zero is NOT a girl and will NOT enter the Night Class. I. Am. In. CONTROL!"

"Just saying."

"Say one more word and you'll be joining Aidou tonight."

….

Later that night I awaited for Aidou to get out of the bathroom and gazed out the window. Zero and Yuuki were hugging but more importantly… there was a stray puppy outside! I'll have to send someone to retrieve it for me later!

"I'm ready, Kaname-sama,"

Well this will be a fun night. Sweet dreams, Diary.

-Kami Bill Kuran


	5. Moonlight Auctions

After HOURS of begging the Headmaster to keep Zero I remembered something: I could blow up his head! And... Ur… So let's just say there is such a website as rent-a-whore and Cross Academy pretty much has a duplicate Headmaster! But seriously, I'm not paying for it. I rewrote his will…

When I die, which will hopefully never happen, I guess… I'd like Yuuki to go with me. Please, Zero, end her life before she ruins yours in season 2! Just turn back now! So! I left a handy gun under your bead and an axe in your closet. Be sure to be careful where you turn because it's filled with deadly things. But most importantly; KANIME KURLY GETS ALL MY FORTUNE!!!! That is all.

Something like that. Accept when the will was turned in I spelt my name wrong! And now Kanime Kurly is a very rich feller. Yup.

Night 5 and a half

Oh Dairy! I mean Diary! It's awful! Students are catching onto the rent-a-whore and it was in my room last night! Well…. Not even it can resist me, eh? So the new Headmaster's name is Pala and she's Mexican. I have no clue how everyone is catching on! She just… can only speak French! Wow, this academy is more cunning than I thought.

Well because of this uprising suspicion, the school board assigned an officer to investigate the issue. *gulp* He's a tall man with a cowboy hat and wears an eye patch just like a pirate. I have yet to hear his voice, but I am told it sounds as a dying hippo and his breath reeks of strawberries. And not the good strawberries. Artificial strawberries. Ugh… the very thought makes my nose tremble.

Around the same time, The Santa board had made an official announcement that Yuuki was an important key to getting Zero to change correctly into his true form. This enraged me and I immediately began to search for one strong enough to kill her before the board set up full protection. The man I found was none other than Chef Boyardee with that catchy catch phrase "man, his balls are huge."

Without another thought, I sent Boyardee off to do my dirty work and started to work on my novel of peanuts. It's a wonderful book, much better than any vampire crap and I hope one day all my fans will read it.

Only later did I realize my editor was not present.

Ichijo Takuma and Shiki Senri had been gone all day; leaving behind a note about going to a tanning salon together. Kain tried to tell me that they were vampires and would never be in such a place but I would not hear of it. Resulting in, me trying to spell alone and Kain in the corner for timeout.

"Kain, how do you spell cat?" I asked patiently at Kain with his nose in the corner.

"Mmmmfffffllllll." he mumbled.

"Kain, I can not hear you when you have the fork shoved completely in your mouth. Please rid of it," I commanded, tapping my pink pen that writes in sparkly ink impatiently.

"C-A-T," he said in a know-it-all voice.

"I do not like your tone. Now put two forks in your mouth."

With a loud, over exaggerated sigh, Kain replied "Yes, Kaname-_sama_."

"Make it three."

"Kaname!" Ichijo burst through the door with those beaming eyes of his. "Aidou told me you were writing without my editing skills around! I am so proud!"

Ichijo ran over to my desk and I leaned back proudly to let him see the whole third of a page I had written. "Well…. baby steps, baby steps," he chanted soothingly and patted my head.

"Ichijo-san, we need to report to the-" Shiki peeked in my room hesitantly and stopped talking at the scene of Ichijo with his hand resting on my head.

"Oh, Shiki!" Ichijo lifted his hand and shook it in the air carelessly. "Don't mind that. We need to-"

"I'll do it." Shiki said expressionlessly and walked off.

Ichijo sighed and began to walk off as well. "He'll need my help."

I reached over my desk and grabbed his sleeve much like a little girl would. "Wait, I thought you two were tanning. You are as pale as ever…"

Ichijo chuckled brightly, "Oh, Kaname, we weren't tanning the _showing parts of our skin today."_

_Kain from the corner, who now stuffed 7 pieces of silverware in his mouth, groaned._

"_Oh, be sure to show me later." I insisted. _

"_Will do." With that Ichijo ran out the door. Accept he recoiled back into view of the doorframe like he had run into someone. Shiki's hair peeked in my view of the doorframe._

"_Sh- Shiki!" Ichijo stuttered._

_Shiki looked down in anger and balled up his fists. "You are cheating on me, Takuma! And with that! He doesn't care for anyone but himself!" Shiki jabbed a finger at me. I shrugged. I couldn't argue with that._

"_Th-that can't be true! Deep down, I'm sure Kaname has deeper feelings," Ichijo confirmed._

"_You're wrong," Shiki and I said in unison._

"_Eh…"_

"_Forget it, Ichijo-san. It's over." _

"_Sh- Shiki!"_

"_I'll report into the SANTA BOARD for you, Ichijo-san." Shiki emphasized and ran off._

…

"_Well then," Ichijo began to step away._

"_Wait," I commanded._

_He froze like a puppy with his tail in between his legs. "Forgive me, forgive me,"_

"_You weren't tanning, were you?" I raised, once again, my perfect eyebrow._

"_Forgive me, my grandfather is the head of the Santa Board and there was a threat to the Zero Kiryu plan…" Ichijo locked his eyes to the ground. "Forgive me."_

"_Did you… happen to kill anything today, Ichijo?"_

"_Well yes… I man by the name of Chef Boyardee who was attacking Yuuki-chan and later St. Zero in town today." Ichijo said proudly until his soul mentally shriveled into nothing from my look._

"_Kain! I think I'll need those forks now." I glared angrily at Ichijo. _

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

_Ichijo walked with a limp that night and most of my forks are bent._

_Shiki submitted a form to leave Cross Academy because he was so heartbroken over his lover. Ichijo agreed to hold an action that night for Shiki's belongings. This was my plan to punish them both. Ichijo having to give away his true loves things, making him sadder and sadder at the thought of how they broke up. And Shiki who would wake up the next morning with all of his things gone. The perfect plan, neh?_

_All went according to plan as Ichijo's spirit was ripped away bit by bit with each item he handed out. "Do I here a 3 dollars? 3 dollars! Do I hear 4? 4-4-4-4-4 dollars!"_

_That is, until St. Zero and Yuuki came along. I searched the deepest, darkest places in my mind as to think why they would be approaching and could think of only one; last week I had stolen one of Yuuki's breast pads for 'personal study'. Yea, didn't think she could be that big either, did ya? It was quite amusing to see her chest so lumpy with one pad in. And I do intend to return it once Aidou gets it out of the front of his pants. _

_Scared that St. Zero might rebuke me and demote my position as "Head Elf" I took comfort in the safety of my couch. The Night Class thought it would be funny to take my couch from my room and push it out the window. But the joke is on them because they no longer have heads and I have a nice view of the auction._

"_Aidou, being as you are my dog, I want you and Kain to go and try to kill Yuuki. If her and Zero are armed; make up something about how awesome I am. Kain, I assume you'll obey? Or do I need to bring out my heavy duty silverware?"_

_They both nodded and went down to kill Yuuki. As predicted, the young prefects had been well armed and nearly cut/shot my dogs to bits._

"_Our Dorm President asked us to greet you," Kain lied. Good dog, "Won't you put that dangerous thing away?"_

_Aidou bowed to them, most likely begging for his life like he had done to me many times. It annoyed me that Zero had such power to get my dogs to yield to another master but I let it slide._

"_Welcome to the Moon Dormitory. We will both guide you from here on. That is, until our friends are around and we ditch you." Aidou said boldly._

_I watched as they walked down the fire lit path. All the vampires whispering their thoughts of Zero and Yuuki. Those who wanted to kill Yuuki for me. And those who opposed me, the people of The Council, who would sacrifice their lives to keep her alive now._

"_Welcome, Yuuki-chan! Kiryu-kun!" Ichijo said in a peppy voice. How sweet, he had pulled on his fake mask to hide is sorrow. "Tonight's the auction! I want you to enjoy yourselves."_

"_I-I didn't come here to visit you. I wanted to ask you something," Yuuki stated._

"_Oh…" Ichijo's face dropped and I was sure he was about to cry again. _

'_I will NOT allow you to cry into my bosom in public, Ichijo,' I mentally told him._

"_Why did you kill Chef Boyardee today when he was just trying to sell me some canned goods?"_

"_Those were not any canned goods," Aidou stated, he walked over to the action table and began flipping through Shiki's Pokemon cards. _

"_You see, Yuuki-chan, those cans were thought to have human meat preserved in them," Ichijo explained while hading Yuuki a glass of urine. "It is very disgusting if you think about it."_

"_You're very disgusting if you think about it." Everyone turned to see Shiki who glared at Ichijo._

"_Shiki!" Aidou yelled, "You were supposed to be drugged!"_

_He walked forward and through a thong at Ichijo's face. "You left that in my room last week."_

_Ichijo smirked. "That can't be mine. Maybe Aidou's…"_

"_MY clothes, including thongs, consist of the highest name brand. I wouldn't want you to mix us up," Aidou declared. Mumbles aroused as everyone tried to figure out who the thong belonged to. Zero's face flushed slightly but only I noticed._

"_That's a horrible way to say things! " Yuuki yelled. "It's not like tongs can just CHOOSE what brand the want to be!"_

"_That's exactly why we have to figure out who's this is. Someone here tonight loved a knock-off enough to wear it and we must found out who," Ichijo declared. "Before they are able to randomly attack people."_

"_I ordered them to do that," I proclaimed. Everyone turned, astonished, at my sudden outburst. "Yes, I not only control the Night Class, BUT I RULE THE THONG RACE AS WELL! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"_

"_Kaname-senpai did?" Yuuki looked surprised. Ugly and surprised._

"_Yuuki, I can't believe that you would come to such a dangerous place without an entire pack of bodyguards," I said._

"_I wanted to confirm the rumors…"_

_I sighed deeply and brushed my hair with my fingers. "Rumors…" I repeated._

"_Come here, Yuuki, and Kiryu-kun too." I ordered and skipped back over to my coach. "Yuuki, sit by me."_

"_Eh?"_

"_It's okay."_

"_I'm fine here."_

"_I have popcorn." I said and reached into the cracks of my couch to look._

"_Okay." Yuuki plopped down next to me._

_To everyone at the auction, I'm sure me putting my arm around her and pulling her to my chest looked like affection. Believe me, it's not. I wanted her to look at the great detail put into Fred the Lamp beside me. That's all._

"_Um… I… always thought that I should give you my thanks." DUH! Everyone should be kissing the ground I walk on, stupid girl._

"_Knock-off thongs should not have been created," I said. Both Zero and Yuuki gasped. I ignored them and continued, "Even so, long ago, behind the history, when the battle between elves and leprechauns had reached its worst, elves saw the war potential of leprechaun sex, so they made it a custom in our race too. Since, then, elves from the workshop, noble class and above have been obligated to control these cheep imitation thongs." I grabbed Yuuki's mummy wrapped arm and began to unravel it. She was not cool enough to pull off the Halloween look out of season. "We may need to deal with them at times."_

_As the toilet paper from her arm unraveled to the ground, Zero stepped before us._

"_It is a person's choice to wear whatever name brand he chooses."_

"_So why are you not trying to protect that thong found in Shiki's room?"_

_Zero dramatically blinked at my words and I directed my attention back to Yuuki. "You were cut. I will take the pain away for you," I lied. I began licking Yuuki's wound, hoping that somehow she would get MRSA from my tongue and that I would not get aids from licking her._

"_S-senpai!" Oh calm down, little girl! I'm just trying to think of every little way to kill you!_

"_If I'm not mistaken, Kiryu-kun, is that your thong?"_

_Zero gulped and lashed out that 'Silver Bell' gun of his. Lucky for me my Totally Spy girl had her fingernails to his neck._

"_Seiren, it's okay." The council would be much displeased with me if I killed the next Santa. "I was the one who said something I shouldn't have." Ugh! Curses! Those words leave a bitter taste in my mouth! I must wash my tongue with soup latter! Ugh!_

"_How dare he point a gun at Kaname-sama… Cutting him to pieces won't even satisfy me," Aidou ranted. "As long as I'm in this academy, I won't do it." Not that you could, Aidou. "I don't want to deny the pacifist principal either." No, you just don't want me to spank your sorry, naked dog hide with a flyswatter. "However, don't forget we gather here because Kaname-sama is here, who's the Head Elf."_

"_Head Elf?" Yes, Yuuki. Are you deaf? Oops. I mean: ARE YOU DEAF?!?!?!?! "Kaname-senpai is…" Yes, she has to be._

"_You look as if it's the first time you heard of this, Yuuki. Are you afraid? Do you wish to die because you're so scared?" I asked hopefully._

"_I've always been a little scared of you since long ago. Even now, I'm a bit afraid." Yes, yes. Just say the words: 'I am not worthy to ever be in your presence' and we're good!_

_My hopes and dreams plummeted down to rock bottom once again as Ichijo clapped. "All right, everyone! Shiki and I are now officially back as a couple so we want all the items you bought back in exchange for cake! Yuuki-chan and Kiryu-kun, cake is two dollars a slice."_

_. . . ._

_Yuuki stayed by my side even though I insisted for her to leave. She watched as all the Night Classers hung on each other and practically have sex in public. Yuuki, feeling insecure, began hugging herself._

_Our long silence and cake eating was interrupted with Ichijo's loud screams from over by the cake. "YOU CUT ME!"_

"_I'M SORRY! WHAT A WASTE!" Shiki yelled back and stuffed Ichijo's fist into his mouth._

"_SHIKI! DON'T PLAN ON USING ME PERSONALLLY TO ENTERTAIN YOURSELF!" Ichijo yelled again and through a handful of cake into Shiki's hair. Shiki did the same and soon the entire night class was having an old fashion food fight. _

_Zero was the first to run away to go tattletale to some teacher._

"_Kaname-senpai, sorry, I…" Yuuki didn't finish her sentence and ran off. Only to be grabbed by Aidou._

"_Yuuki-chan! That's rude, not finishing a sentence!" he criticized. Aidou has a point._

"_I-I…" she pulled herself away and ran after Zero. That girl has no manners._

"_Is it okay for you to let her go?" Kain asked hoarsely. It's amazing he can even talk after swallowing that fork._

"_Eventually, Yuuki will learn proper grammar. Even if I have to beat her with a ruler… Or kill her," I answered._

…_._

"_It really is dull after all. If you compare it to name brand…." Aidou observed the thong with Ichijo and Shiki. After that little cake incident, I had made the three of them clean it up because of their actions today._

"_There are cake fights with some risky moments," Shiki said, poking the undergarment with a stick. "The ones who cannot accept cake fight."_

_I hit them all with my old lady broom. "Shut up and clean!"_

"_Yes, ma'am!"_

_. . . ._

_That night I washed the cake out of my hair as I listened to the sounds of gunshots and screaming. Maybe Yuuki had died. Most likely not but I will go to sleep tonight hoping and dreaming._

_Fare-the-well, Diary,_

_Kami Bill Kuran_


	6. Their Background Stories

Night 6

Ah, yes. The episode where I come in, like, three times. For less than a minute each time, too!

As much as I'd love to blame this on Yuuki, I cannot.

The reason for my absence in this chapter is pretty poor. But a word of advice- if you ever have the urge to kiss Zero while we're in the middle of a shoot, don't. It ends with a popsicle stick shoved up your butt and you being condemned to a wheel chair. Trust me.

Anyway, because of my… leave of absence (I told them I was having Aidou's baby so got nine months off anyway) the cast got together to figure out what to do for this episode. So what did we do? Went through everyone's childhood videos!

Yuuki- Yuuki was the obvious first we went through. We all sat around the moon dorm and watched the big flat screen TV I made Aidou hold up at a slanted angle to amuse my eyesight. He looked constipated. :3 Anyway, Yuuki's baby videos started with her birth. Her. Birth. Understand? Yuuki's known she was my sister since THIS episode. She just has such short term memory loss that she never remembers. But when she does, she starts trying to rape me… *shiver* The rest of the film was what she did all alone in the secluded room in the mental hospital we intended to keep her in for her entire life: Mario Kart and masturbating. Ewie. Knowing these clips were spoilers (and disturbing, rated R footage) Yuuki's childhood was out.

Ichijo- Next was Ichijo and if Yuuki's videos weren't bad (no, they were) Ichijo's were worse. Asato Ichiou- head of the Vampire Council, Commercial announcer for "Cash 4 Gold", and former little boy molester. Poor little grandchild Ichijo, no wonder he's so happy now. Every minute away from _that_ would put a smile on my face too. And yes, I smile.

Shiki- Ahaha! Shiki's whole LIFE should've been on "America's Funniest Home Videos"! In fact, a bet some of them were! He was constantly falling and getting hit you know where. Everyone was laughing to the fullest. Except me, who CAN smile, but is too amazing to in front of these losers.

Aidou- I realized Aidou's life was just as bad before I got in it and started slapping him around. Let me tell you: Ruka? Woman pimp. Nuff said.

Ruka- Woman pimp.

Kain- I found this one interesting. Kain was a professional boxer before becoming an actor… and black. If you were ever familiar with the movie "Jump In" you would understand.

Rima- You **don't need to know.**

**Serine- (You really want to know? I'd go look a Kizee's other story "Ichiou's Son" to find that one out)**

**Me- Of course, mine was the best! But I already sold airing rights to Disney so no one could see it… ):**

**Zero- Ugh, Zero's was the only one that "fit the gothic theme" so his won. And that is exactly what you see in this episode. But… when Toga's eye got gorged out, it wasn't from a Level E. We were playing darts in the green room one day before we filmed. Ehehehe.**

**Now that that's all cleared up and I'm not in it very much, this concludes this boring diary entry.**

**- Maybe I'll be in the next episode…. Next Night.**

**Kami Bill Kuran**


	7. The Scarlet Sponge

Well, obviously I don't recognize everyone who wrote a review for every chapter (because, frankly, I don't get enough reviews for that) but thanks to , Lilcy, Notnerd24, Stebbins-Stella-, Emovampires, and gogglesunderwater for reviewing somewhere from the last time I wrote one of these (chapter... 3?). THANKS SO MUCH! :3

- And while I'm at it, I'm sorry the last chapter sucked DX

I almost want to just delete it... well back to the chapter!

* * *

You, the intelligent human you are, HAHAHA! I'm so funny I crack myself up! XD Anyway, YOU might have noticed that Yuuki pants a lot. Hard. You might also have noticed that at the start of this episode they have her breathing hard while they show parts of the room. None with her in it. Let me also just tell you, those pants? They're mine ;)

Night 7

Instead of this flashback of Yuuki and I when we were younger at the headmaster's (may he rest in pieces) residence, I'd like to make this a flash-forward to when we're old and wrinkly in a retirement home.

"… It seems she doesn't seem to understand that pudding is something you eat."

Wrinkle Yuuki fat butt poked the pudding cube that was expired and yellow with her frail old lady hand. The rest of the old farts were on the coaches chanting "P-U-D-D-I-N-G! Pudding! Pudding! Pudding! UGH!" and putting pudding places we shouldn't speak of right now.

Me, who will never age, never be ugly, and never loose my awesomeness; was being forced to work here. Something my lawyer said about jail or community work. I blew him up, of course, but I was lured here with Lucky Charm marshmallows. I mean, come on! They're magically delicious!

"It looks like she has lost all of her memories." None of which hold any significant use to anyone, by the way. "You need to scoop this with a spoon. Here!"

Why use a spoon? I took the plate and started shoving it down her throat. Her short arms started flailing rapidly as she coughed. After swallowing the plate, Yuuki's dentures also went down to her esophagus.

I laughed at her until she faced me and started reaching for my face. I closed my eyes. Yea, no one can resist me. Not even with poor eyesight. Or so I thought before granny Yuuki started pulling my fangs.

I slapped her away. "Hag! Those are real Halloween fangs! And NOT yours! AND you cheated at Monopoly, you cheating whore!"

After the other workers pulled her off of me (I could've taken her) I stood up. Flipped my hair dramatically and said, "I think it would be better if she stayed out of my sight after all. I'm bringing sexy back."

"You're bringing it back… from that place? Ever since your show was cut, it's been a demon's den where they try to rape you," the man in charge said.

"I KNOW THAT OKAY? But I have to go back… I forgot my toothbrush," I said with great devastation.

"Smell ya later." as I walked out the door I looked at granny Yuuki who was tied to a chair.

I set off to go back to this author's basement full with her friends.

. . . .

"You said that she had died, so I… snuck out," I said to the man in charge as he greeted me with a hug. "That was I lie, wasn't it? I'm never going to believe you again."

"Whatever, just go and fix the TV," he replied.

"Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris!" he cried (I'm going with a new name, whatcha think?). "Something's happened! Look!"

"What happened?" I asked as he dragged me in the room.

"Yuuki put on clothes all by herself!"

One glance of that grandma in a thong and I was out cold.

While unconscious, I had a dream. I dream of Yuuki's death.

I awoke laughing. Laughing so hard I was banging my fist against the wall retard idly.

"Chuck… Norris-kun?"

I could not stop laughing.

"What do I do? CN-kun has broken down!" the man in charge started doing the macarana out of panic.

"I'm sorry I have let you live this long." I glared at him who instantly froze. "I'm going to soon."

I looked at the man and held out a flamethrower. "Bye, bye."

But Yuuki crawled over and clutched my Holister jacket.

"Chu- Chu-"

YES! Say the name of the supreme ruler of the world!

"Chuga! Chuga! Chuu! Chuu!"

Screw it. "RAWWWWWWWWWWW!"

. . . .

Those cold winter nights I spent chained to a tree, digging graves in the front yard for the nursing home people were long. And cold. And wintery.

"Kaname-sama!" Grandma Yuuki pounced on me from behind. I fell into the grave I was digging at the time. By now, she had relearned my true name.

"Kaname-sama?" That's right! Bow to the almighty ME! But, I was the one stuck in a hole here…

"Today is Yuuki's birthday!" Yuuki screamed.

"So?" I asked.

"It's the day you saved me from drowning in the bath tub! That's why I want to say, 'Congratulations, Kaname-sama!'"

"You're wrong, Yuuki. That was yesterday. Today is the day where Yuuki gives me gifts, not a congratulations."

"Oh… okay!" She ran off.

"NOOOO! I'm still stuck down here! Yuuki!"

. . . .

Sometimes I'd have to take Yuuki to ton to get her blood pressure checked at a clinic. Again, I was chained. But to her. We'd constantly run into annoying fan girls who Yuuki would offer candy to from her old lady purse. I flailed my arms from behind hopelessly, to run for their lives. When Yuuki opens her purse whoever's in front of it is sucked into a vortex so she can cook people in her oven later. Trust me.

. . . .

Nursing home community service became difficult as soon as Zero Kiryu, the used-to-be-famous vampire hunter, checked in. The first night of his arrival he stabbed me with a butter knife because his food 'was too cold'. Worthless old man.

After that I started pinching Yuuki's cheeks around him because her scream is the only sound known to get him to crumble to the ground.

. . . .

And then there was the time when Yuuki walked into me giving Ruka that sponge bath… she never looked at me the same again.

* * *

But all these events have yet to come. So why not enjoy this very end clip of what was actually happening in the present time of the show?

I called to Zero who was lurking over Yuuki's defenseless body on the couch. He was probably about to rape her. She couldn't do a thing about it. Once Yuuki enters the Avatar state she cannot be awakened until her soul returns, as you know.

Zero followed me outside to watch the grass grow. One of our favorite pass times.

"I have not told you the reason why I consent your arrogance. I know it's risky to seek Christmas at Cross Academy too." I turned around and started braiding my own hair. "That's why I thought, who could be a shield for you, Santa-sama, in this place?"

I turned back around to show off my hair and said, "Yuuki will betray you. You should at least have that obligation. I let her live for that purpose. Zero, kill her for me.

Zero said nothing so I skipped away. Never to look back. For I, Kami Bill Kuran, have stolen sexy back.

G'Nite.

-Kami


	8. Gunshot of Chest Hair

**** YOU CAN SKIP THIS PARAGRAPH******

Another Chapter? Yes! It's time! With my move and all things have been so hectic… I even packed my Vampire Knight DVDs! EEEEE GASP! I have no clue how I survived that… Anyway, I'd just like to point out that it has been OVER AN ENTIRE year since Kaname's Diary was created one Thanksgiving day in Alabama (which is not where I lived- or do I now) by five young cousins who's names all start with K. It's been so long! I'll do my best to make this worth the wait! Just watch! :3

* * *

Oh my self. Finally! A beautiful opening for an episode, if I do say so my self. Me on the couch… the worlds smallest violin being played by my toes which they cut off the screen. Just something about my extra toe being to hairy… I wiped the sweat off my face and looked up dramatically. This is my time to shine! Wait! WAIT! No one cares about Zero and how he can't button his jacket correctly! Go back to me on the looooooove couch! NO! Yuuki drooling on her pillow is NOT attractive either! GUH! NOT THIS DAMN SONG AGAIN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Night 8

Look, it is not like myself to say this… for the entire first half of this episode I was locked in my room. I know, I know. I know just exactly what you are thinking: "Why didn't the Night Class break down your door with Aidou's head to see your lovely face?" It pains me to say this but….

NO! -blush- I just can't! /

Two knocks on the door. "Kaname?"

Ichijo… those two knocks… the "I have your drugs (plus lets have sex)" code. I said nothing. I held my breath for the longest time trying to stop my body from exploding out terrible noises.

For I had diarrhea.

"Sleep well, good night," he says. Easy for him to say! He doesn't have this constant- oh gosh… I'll be right back. Remembering that my bathroom was closed off because I clogged the toilet, I ran to the door. I pressed my cheek against it to make sure the cost was clear. It wasn't.

"Is dorm leader Kaname locking himself inside his room?" Rima asked. No, I'm in here because my high def TV is SOOOOOOOOO interesting! That didn't even make sense… it IS interesting…

"Don't tell me that you did something again?" I heard Kain ask his cousin. Oh, if Aidou was the cause for this, the next time I see him I'll skin him ali- OHHHH! My new white skinny jeans from Hot Topic! NO! Oh well, they're Zero's anyway.

Who would?" Aidou screamed. Uh… you would. "If I really did something, I would be punished already." Oh? You mean like three days ago when I had your butt naked skin- No, never mind…

This was not Aidou's fault. This…. Thing is all do to one thing: Excessive amounts of Dr. Pepper. It was soooooooo good! I just… drank…. And drank…. And drank. I mean, it was Kizee's "whole year celebration." She insisted… A long, disturbing regret.

"That's true." I wonder… these 23 ingredients from hell they use… just what are they?

Ruka sighs. "Don't worry, I think he's just thing about something."

For once, Ichijo is right. I am thinking about how I am going to get to the bathroom before I explode! "Now, let's get some rest."

Yes… you all sleep. I, on the other hand, will be reading Twilight from the safety of the girl's bathroom. Simply because it is closer….

"Ichijo-sama." OH WHAT NOW? "The books you ordered are all ready. Yay! My "Why our body smells" book is in! "Should we bring them to your room?" Wait… whut?

"Oh, s-sorry… please do." ICHIJO! YOU SHALL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS!

"Um… What about Kuran-sama?" Right here, madam! I suspected that she had news on the doctor. Finally, some relief.

"Do you have something to tell the dorm leader?"

"This is the application for the guest that wanted to stay in the dorm."

"No, this can't be real! Why…"

"Ichijo-san."

"What is it?"

"My…. My doctor… He's coming here tonight!"

I'm sure their jaws all dropped. You simply do not understand. Takuma Ichijo has had a fear for doctors since I've been good looking. A very long time. In fact, he enrolled into the school without the flu shot we all received in the butt. That shot, to be given by the doctor who is to come see me.

This cannot be good.

….

It was time for the doctor to arrive. All the students have skipped class for this… eh, must be to see me. I made my way down the stairs, ready to strip if ever necessary.

Ichijo stopped me.

"Kaname," he said. "It's fine. You don't have to come here personally. He's probably just here to have a few words with me." Come personally? Yes, I think I do. A few words with you? More like pin you to the ground and stick a needle up your ass. I'll be helping if you don't move out of my way, Ichijo Takuma.

"I haven't had a checkup for a long time, so I just want to greet him." I kicked him in the shin and walked down the steps. "Can't I?"

"It's not that you can't…" AH! Do not twist my words around to confuse me! I'm very irritated as it is! And I'm developing these strange involuntary muscle spasms….

The doors slowly began to open. Dr. Ichiou was known for his ways of capturing little Edward fairies and making them his nurse slaves. I heard the crack of a whip as the little fairies pushed on the doors as hard as they could. Five more were clapping erasers together while a few dozen waved fans around him. It all connects. Ichiou had a black cape on which eventually covered his batman panties he wore outside his pants. Bottom line, it was a ominous feeling.

His high heals clacked as he made his way inside. "Such a grand welcome. I'm just here to see my cute patient." I saw Ichijo tighten his belt another notch in the corner of my eye. "There's no need to be so formal." Could he possibly mean the amount of clothes they dressed me in? I agree one hundred percent!

"Ichiou, I'm glad to see that you are so well," I say. The last time I had seen this doctor is when Ichijo had an operating knife jammed into his stomach.

"That time, when you rejected me from being of help with my crazy patient. We haven't seen each other since that day, Kaname-sama."

"I've become even more spoiled," I brag.

"Kaname! You said you'd never talk about that any more!" Ichijo whined. I saw the doctor glare.

"That's right." I stretched out my neck very long, trying to imitate a giraffe.

"As expected, pure bloods are different from us. Even if you're fully stained with blood, you still will have a tent." Everyone gasped as Dr. Ichiou knelt to the ground and grabbed my hand. He slipped me my meds very smoothly. "Just like the everlasting fragrance of Febreez. The overflowing youth, strength, and beauty…" Oh, giggle, stop it! You're too much! :3 "I hope that one day I'll be able to share your incomparable chest hair…"

Oh, no he did not.

Ruka dove for my hand. For she secretly collects my chest hair. She crops them like one would on Farmville. I've become an amazing version of a Chia Pet.

Aidou, who is a proud customer of Ruka's, takes the doctor's hand.

"I'm sorry, Kaname-sama… but-" You see, Ruka has been trying out new seeds. I am only aloud to receive so much sunlight a day.

"Your joke has gone too far." HA! See that was a joke made by Aidou, too. He IS a joke! XD

"Souen's daughter and Aidou's son, is it?" Dr. Ichiou began checking Aidou's pulse.

Akatsuki pulled Ruka off of me while Ichiou attempted to sooth Aidou's hormone rage. "Aidou-"

"It's the greatest taboo to draw ANYTHING from Kaname's body. " Yes, Aidou. Read aloud the handbook of rules I forced you to memorize. "Subsection C, paragraph 3 clearly states that-"

Muscle spasm.

I slapped Billy silly. He covered his nose from the stench of my hand. If YOU had diarrhea, I'm sure your hands would smell too after running out of toilet paper.

"It's my fault," an extremely hard phrase for me to say. I looked down my shirt at my chest hair.

"It's because Kaname-sama is here, that's why I could wear this outfit here without worries." He hit the floor and brushed his mouth against the back of my hand, gagging only slightly. "Burger King."

…..

Later that night I was resting on my coach, going through Dr. Ichiou's bills. Ruka kept coughing outside my door to get my attention. When those coughs turned into snorts I had to say something. "If I just ignore you like this, could you stay there and be a coat rack, Ruka?"

Ruka opened the door and let herself in. I have never heard of a moving coat rack…

"I haven't received any punishment yet," she tells me. I see a thin blush.

I smile dryly. "Do you want to be punished? What a strange child." I have ropes and handcuffs in my closet…

"Kaname-sama is a gentle person…" Yea, just like a princess! :3 "You saved Aidou from Ichiou, right?"

"It just turned out to be that way." Really, it had.

She walked over to me and picks up some bills. "You were right to do so… Aidou was at fault. It was Subsection D, not C." Leave it to her to know it word for word.

She hands me the papers. I snatch them away quickly. "Thank you." I snap.

"Kaname-sama… I have this new idea. My blood… if even a little of it can serve as a fertilizer for your chest…" She pricks her neck and draws blood so easy. I was astound. I also took notes to NEVER get in a cat fight with her.

"That's enough, Ruka. Also, you don't need to worry about me. I'm fine." I'm fine with my normal steroids!

"Yes," she says before pulling out a new pack of seeds. "But if I could just plant-"

"Leave, Ruka."

….

I was walking through the dorm when I heard Yuuki's shrill voice begging for money.

"Ichiou. I'll be looking forward to our next meeting." I said. We have a perfect plan to get Ichijo

His rabbi shots before next semester.

"Me too. I'll get going." He bowed and followed Zero out the door.

It was Yuuki who stayed. "Yuuki."

"Ah, Y-yes." What did she want? A doggie bone for good work?

"Go away."

"I-It's nothing…" Then leave.

"Um… Um… Thank you for that plastic surgery gift card." She bowed down to my awesomeness. "I-I'm leaving." It's about time.

…

I spent the rest of the night masturbating with a banana.

-Aloha,

Kami Bill Kuran

* * *

There you have it! How'd I do?

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)


	9. Crimson Blow Jobs

Times in this series we good up until now… The not so major plot twists, my amazing looks in every episode. Yes, it was here when everything started to fall apart.

When Misses Clause came. And she came mad too. Let ME tell YOU.

Night 9

I do so believe Yuuki came into smelling range after she was about to blow her rape whistle. Who'd ever rape that thing, I have no clue. Anyway, Yuuki was bulldozed into the front of the school building by those stupid hormone raging girls with no eyes. Straight into Aidou's (who I have recently got him to call me "Big Daddy") arms.

"Should I help you push?" He asked. That was funny- Aidou did no work. Still, Yuuki- at just being raped and all- couldn't be having her baby for another 9 months. "Jo-king!" Ah, that is more like him.

Or so I thought until he pulled her indoors. "Sorry everyone!" Sorry for what, exactly? He just got rid of the ugly whore no one wants to see. Which is why I didn't know why this kept happening.

"This is real oak!" Aidou exclaimed, having his ear leaned against the door. "How cute." he began to smooch with it.

"Um… please let me go. I have to go back," Yuuki explained.

"What's with that attitude?" What indeed, NO ONE likes her. Aidou placed a candy Life Savor to her mouth. "Even after I just saved you!"

"Miss Prefect appears to have just taken her birth control… Yuuki, you're trying to hard. You'll have an ugly child no matter what you do now." I tried to explain.

"Ah yes, I'll be careful!"

"What are you doing getting carried off like that? You're too fat to be swept off you're feet!" Zero grabbed her wrist and guided her out the door. "We're leaving!"

Leave it to the pimp.

I watched them leave, wanting to see Yuuki get bitch slapped. Nothing happened. I slapped Ruka to make up for it.

"It's very humid today…" Ruka said.

"Because the dance is soon." Akatsuki replied.

Ah, yes. The ceremonial rain dance held at Cross Academy every year. One year, before this new location, they did not have it and… well, you've all scene the Sahara.

"The dance is something to look forward to, don't you think?" Ichijo said with his best smile. Flying high 24-7 was something he was getting used to.

"It seems tiring." Shiki really better watch his mouth. The last person to have the much negativity towards this event was…. Well, you all know of the Sand Man…

I closed my eyes to try to see if I could walk correctly without light.

…

Then she came, in a candy cane carriage- escorted by Jack Frost- Shizuka Clause herself. He piggy backed her all those steps. Zero watched as I watched his ass.

"A new student…" Shiki said in class that night.

"I smell a crime…" Ichijo noted.

"Are you talking about that book from yesterday?" Shiki asked.

That is right. Humpty Dumpty was no accident as far as Ichijo was concerned.

"It appears she really is coming here- that transfer student…" Rima said.

"Hm…" Shiki bit down on the Home Rooms chocolate creation of Aidou's dick- short, sloppily coded, and always hard.

Aidou yelled when he heard that familiar crunch. "My chocolate penis!" he screamed "I was thinking of giving them to Big Daddy!" He sighed, "Today's enjoyment has disappeared…"

The little snow fairy's crackling Kira laugh rang throughout the room. "I'm glad it's an amusing class. Hey, Isn't it starting yet?"

"Who the hell are you?" Aidou asked fiercely.

The snow fairy grew angry. She did her best at parkoure by getting to Aidou in one leap. She grabbed his chubby cheeks.

"You? Hey you, by 'you' do you mean U?" Text talk is very important to fairies…. Please try to sympathize. She pinched his chubby cheeks and I slammed my book closed. For I had noticed the marshmallows he stuffed in them earlier, but I was planning to get them later through a make out session. Realizing he was caught, Aidou swallowed the marshmallows. "The new girl will do well to give her name, Kurenai Maria.

She looked over to my not amused- hunka hunka sexy face. And floated right over to me.

"I'm sorry for giving you misunderstandings, Kuran… Kaname-Sohma!" That's right, snow fairy. The only thing you SHOULD be giving me is a blow job. Stay on your knees and finger my hand, we'll finish this later. "Ah! To be able to meet a pureblood!" Maria began to slip her hand closer and closer to my zipper. The night class freaked. I smiled. "I'm so happy!"

Not happy enough, snow fairy stood up quickly after,. "I'm sorry."

Oh, you will be.

"It seems that I have somehow made the atmosphere bad. For the time being it would seem best if I were absent, okay?"

Man, if this show made a character leave every time they made the "atmosphere bad," Yuuki would be absent from life and Zero would not have been written in to begin with.

"What's with that girl?" Ruka bitched.

"Don't get that angry." She just has the balls to do what you won't. Thanks, Akatsuki. "If you cross your eyes, more wrinkles than just the ones on your butt will appear."

"That's none of your business!" Then why does he no, hm?

And then Aidou followed.

"Hey, Hanabusa!" Akatsuki said. I let him go, I noticed him wet his pants when Maria first touched him. That was something he needed to take care of.

…

The next day Rima was going through Shiki's pockets like normal when she found a piece of paper.

"It's the rain bill for the dance…" she read.

"I don't need it. I'll give it to you, Rima."

Maria grabbed it from Rima's hand. "It seems they charge you idiots for natural rain." She joked. "Stupid, aren't you?"

"Excuse me." Rima said.

"Sorry." Maria handed it back and ran down the stairs.

When Toga came in and called class to attention, Maria was the first in her seat- and the only. She saw Zero from the window and smiled evilly. I then new exactly what she was here for. Zero's time was up. Christmas was soon and he has yet to change into Santa.

…

That night Ichijo opened my door with Maria standing behind him. "She- Kurenai Maria-san- has wet her bed already.

"For the peace of the Night Class as well, I want to refrain from life from the dormitory for the moment. That old dormitory that is said to have been used at the establishment of the Night Class… I would be fine there with all those beds to go through."

"Fine, I'll tell the Chairmen." No need for two bet wetters in this dorm.

"Eh, it's okay?" Yes, Ichijo. At least she's doing something about her liquid holding problem, unlike you.

"I'm so happy!"

Not happy enough. Again. She ran out leaving me with no blow job. Again.

…

So the day after that (does one episode always cover this many days?) Maria went Easter egg hunting on a day that was not Easter. I sent Ichijo to round her up with a lasso and had her whipped and placed in a stall. You thought Aidou had it bad.

"That transfer student…" Ichijo asked in the comfort of my room. We were both completely dressed again. "What should we do about her?"

"Ichijo… you look after her."

"Eh?"

"If I make a visible movement, it will cause problems. Because the toys she wants are collected in this academy."

"Presents, huh? This is no coincidence?"

"No, I made them. For I am still only a humble elf." And one that will have to do something about this before I end up following Zero's every command.

- Call me, Kami Bill Kuran


End file.
